Today was like any other, the breeze was carrying warmth which brightens my spirit. Nothing spectacular. While boredly browsing, i saw a sight that was not to be seen plastered across screen for all to see.

I rationalized rather than nationalized taking off my disguise, in disgust I realized what hides behind his eyes. Knowing it was all half truth's, bullshit and lies.

This was certain, and I cried a little perhaps out of anger or disappointment rather than hurt. I felt a bit scornful, as I was neglected and disrespected yet upon explaining my concerns several times they fell deaf to a dimwitted half wit with no common sense. Figures.

Now people look at me, and they wonder whats wrong I say coyly, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired", like momma used to say when daddy came in to late and his chicken with vegetables and rice we're sitting cold on his plate; after she worked so hard on dinner he never even ate.


I thought to dismiss these feelings immediately but they we're hard to shake. & I become boiling hot steaming like milk boiling out a pot.

Why is it that everytime I feel pain, or feel like im being violated, I remember being raped. I envision the day I was being dragged and pushed down... I remember being on the bottom of a big man... i remember laying there emotionless.. helpless.. and lifeless.. I remember it all every moment, I was 13; i remember being told "if you don't suck my dick i'll break your jaw, bitch i'll fuckin kill you." I remember being punched, twice, until i opened my mouth. I remember, like it happen yesturday and that's how u make me feel like i'm reliving that moment over and over again. SO. I kick, I scream, I ball my fist up and I swing as hard as I can because when I look back I wish I would have fought back even if it means I was murdered rather than living with pain of being violated and having my innocence and youth snatched away from me. I feel any and everyone who stands up against me is that big black hideous monster who took advantage of a little girl because she was by herself; the interesting twist is 10 years later i'm still by myself only im not that little girl and this time i'll fight til the death.

the journey

Went from having no morality to being the voice of reason. Trying to find a reason to put up with the insanity of pathetic homosapians. Chasing a goose I winded up on very narrow alley which extended endlessly. I jumped, I ran, I jogged a little, interestingly enough none of that worked at all, so i begin walking slowly my intuition leaving me to try and find a way back to myself once again. After all, consciously considering the road i have traveled a journey full of challenges then meeting another fork in the road, I bow my head in despair, cars pass without a single care... Not one can help me find my way. I always try to be there for people and try to be all things to all people; and so i look at these passing cars, and they turn into familiar faces from very familiar places.

So i start going straight thru the fork, making a new path. Feeling defeat but i keep kneading, treading thru the dirt and seemingly endless road of misfortune and false hope. Realizing now, no one can help me. I pass a small dog, who appears to be suffering greatly and although I wanted to help him my legs wouldn't stop moving and my mind wouldn't stop scolding me for wanting to go backwards once again to an old dog dying on the side of the endless road.

Never had I been at war with myself, reconizing that life is full of regrets but I should not, can not help anyone before i help myself after all that is how I winded up here. Finally. The wind stops whispering softly to the follicles of my thick black hair and shows me the way.

the beautiful river.

So my thoughts flow like the water which runs through a beautiful river of migrating fish,
Only without the luxury to flow freely confined to the disgruntled reality of abnormality.
Wondering why? Why when you try to live a new life, full of hope and positive stride you get knocked down to the bottom .
Looking up from here, my chances look grim, severely slim, almost like an anorexic girl on a diet.
So I keep quiet, emotions? I hide it. Try to override it and stop crying, because my fake eyelashes are sliding. Knowing that people are proud of me but i'd rather be tied to a boulder at the bottom of that beautiful river watching the migrating fish from the vessel i landed in. This is a pain like no other slicing thru me like a Japanese sword that has been preheated to one hundred and fifty degrees tearing thru me like a another lab created disease, finally leaving my dismantled vessel to finally self destruct without warning. The rain just keeps pouring on this beautiful river full of migrating fish.